Fresh on the heels of the recent discovery that castrated men live longer, researchers have come back with a new discovery: “Butt-kissers live longer.”
Kissing, the act of pressing one’s lips against another object, has long been recognized as an activity with numerous health benefits.
When this object is the right butt, kissing can prolong both one’s life and career.
The overlooked health benefit of kissing butt, well known intuitively to generations of butt-kissers, has now been given the stamp of rigorous scientific enquiry.
According to the researchers, butt-kissing evolved from hand-kissing which evolved sometime during the late stone period, when humans started to assign religious authority to other humans.
Various old sayings like “don’t bite the hand that feeds” date back to this period, as a passionate kiss from a primitive man can easily degenerate into a bite.
Due to the fact that the hand is also often used to wipe someone’s ass, the transition from hand to butt kissing must have been a smooth and seamless one.
The butt was thus logically the last stop in the evolution of subservient kissing.
Due to the fact that those who were good at kissing butt, were more likely to leave descendants that those who did not, human beings of newer generations became more and more adept at this activity.
Like the recent saying elegantly puts it: “There lives one eagle at the top of a mountain, and many flies at the arse of a horse.”